


Pivotal Moment

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [8]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), M/M, Pre-Relationship, mentions of the rest of the Firefam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24366475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Eddie's stood up to his parents, but of course it can't be that easy. They're still in his house, and Eddie's just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's frustrated, angry, scared even - and worried about so much at once he can't relax. It's not only leaving Eddie on edge, but Buck seems more and more tense, too.Something has to give.Eddie hopes it's not them.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Karen Wilson (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 163
Kudos: 752





	Pivotal Moment

**Author's Note:**

> I take full blame for all of this. Tari had no influence at all. It was just me going "Haha, here, have this completely contextless snippet" and laughing at her shouting at me.
> 
> Some of you know how I said I didn't think things would be quite as painful after last chapter?
> 
> Yeah. About that.... It might be up for debate.
> 
> Let's just get right to it, alright?

Eddie woke up feeling awful.

His face felt tacky and swollen. His head hurt. He knew it was from crying the previous night. But the worst was the way he felt beyond that – what couldn’t be seen. He felt hollowed out, and not in a good way, as well as an intense sense of dread.

He had to face people. He had a shift in the afternoon, he had to take Chris to school, he had to open his eyes and find wherever Buck had gone to in his apartment (probably making breakfast), and he had to do all of that while feeling and probably looking like shit.

For a brief moment, Eddie let himself imagine what it would be like if he just – called in sick to work, refused to get out of bed and face any of it.

With a heavy sigh, he opened his eyes and sat up. Eddie padded quietly over to the railing, glancing to the bottom floor. Buck was in his kitchen, making something on the stove, and Chris was standing on a stool next to him, peering at whatever he was doing. They were talking in voices too quiet for Eddie to make out any words. He leaned against the railing, watching for a few moments. Buck laughed very quietly at something Chris said, ruffling his hair. They both had large grins on their faces.

Eddie swallowed as he stepped back.

He needed to wash his face, at least.

Searching through the cupboard, he found a toothbrush still in the packaging and helped himself to it. He got dressed, paused for a moment to try to gather himself together as best he could. He’d done it before, he’d do it again. Eddie knew how to hide the jagged pieces of himself so no one saw anything. He needed to appear okay – for Chris, for anyone who was watching to find any faults with Eddie, and for himself.

Buck was still at the stove, while Chris was seated at Buck’s table, eating an omelet. Buck glanced over as Eddie came down the stairs, smiling at him a little. Eddie couldn’t quite hold that look, so he flashed a smile at Buck and turned his focus to Chris.

“Morning, mijo,” Eddie said, dropping a kiss to the top of Chris’ head. Chris tilted his head backwards, smiling happily up at him. “Eat up quick, it’ll take longer to get to school today.”

“Okay.”

Eddie took a breath, walking closer to where Buck was still working at the stove. There was another omelet on a plate, and the one he was finishing in the pan.

“That’s for you,” Buck said, tilting his chin towards it. “I got him dressed and all, but he’ll need to brush his teeth still.”

“Thanks,” Eddie said, biting back the ‘you didn’t have to’ because he knew Buck would dismiss it. Buck gave him a little smile, almost shy, and Eddie had to take a deep, quiet breath. He turned to his plate, eating while standing up.

He needed to find time to have someone at least drive by his house, see if his parents had left or were waiting for them there. Fuck, Eddie hoped they’d left. But… he doubted they had. They’d wait to see if he’d come back, at least for a day or so.

Or until whenever their plane tickets home were for – if they’d already bought them.

Should he tell the school? No, how would he even – it’d just invite too many questions. Neither of Eddie’s parents were on the approved pick-up list, anyway, and so even if they did try they wouldn’t be able to take Chris. Eddie cast a glance towards him, thinking Chris probably would pitch a fit if they tried, anyway. Clearly, he’d picked up enough the past few days to know something was wrong between Eddie and his parents.

And he’d made his stance pretty clear on which side he’d decided to take.

“Eddie?”

He startled a bit, glancing over at Buck.

Buck set a hand on his elbow, and keeping his voice hushed, said, “You’re breathing was getting a little – fast. You good?”

Not at fucking all.

Eddie nodded.

Buck’s lips pressed a bit, but he didn’t call Eddie out on it, just nodded back. “I’m gonna get dressed real fast, get my bag packed. We should be able to leave in like fifteen, twenty minutes.”

“Okay.”

He watched for a moment as Buck walked off, his own plate in one hand and eating as he went. Eddie felt a stirring of guilt. They were throwing off Buck’s morning; Buck didn’t usually have to take Chris to school, didn’t have to worry about getting a kid ready _and_ to school on time, as well as getting himself to work on time.

Chris was watching him, frowning a little. Eddie forced a smile back on his face, and with a deep breath in and quiet exhale, he shoved all of that down for the time being.

“Finished?”

Chris nodded. Eddie put their plates in the sink, feeling bad about not rinsing them but Chris needed to brush his teeth and Eddie had to get his school things together.

Thankfully Buck had a spare toothbrush that was already Chris’, from all the times he slept over. Eddie left Chris to it and checked his backpack. He darted upstairs, not letting himself look over at a half-naked Buck, and dug a five out of his wallet. He hadn’t thought to get Chris’ lunch pail the other night, and they didn’t have time to make Chris a good lunch anyway. Hopefully he wouldn’t mind getting whatever the school was having.

He tucked it into one of the smaller zipper pockets of Chris’ backpack. When Chris came out from the bathroom, Eddie pointed it out to him, apologizing.

Chris just smiled brightly. “Maybe they’ll have pizza since it’s the first day!”

“Maybe,” Eddie said with a chuckle. Fuck, he didn’t deserve Chris, with his optimism and forgiveness for all Eddie’s mistakes, past and present.

Buck came downstairs with his _and_ Eddie’s work bags in tow, and a bright smile on his face. “Ready Diazes?”

“Ready!” Chris led the way to the door, already talking about how excited he was to see some of his school friends, wondering about new teachers, and if they’d give him homework yet or not.

He kept it up most of the way to school, with Buck and Eddie chiming in occasionally. Eddie hoped out of the jeep when Buck pulled up to the drop off zone, helping Chris get down and crouching to hug him.

Chris sighed, but he hugged Eddie back and was smiling.

“Be good, have fun.” Eddie swallowed, keeping his smile in place. “Carla’s gonna pick you up, okay?”

“Okay Dad. Bye Buck!” he added, waving, and Eddie glanced back to see Buck grinning and waving back. Eddie turned to Chris again, kissed his forehead, and stood up. He watched, for a bit, as Chris walked towards the school, until he was through the front gate.

Eddie got into the jeep, letting out a long breath.

“He’ll be safe there, Eddie.”

“I know.”

“You’re still worried,” Buck said, an almost knowing tone to his words. “Does Carla… know?”

Eddie closed his eyes. She didn’t. He needed to tell her. He needed to let her know not to go by his house – he wasn’t sure if his parents were there or not, after all.

“Fuck,” he muttered. He’d have Marisol drive by, maybe – he wasn’t too sure what her work schedule looked like, but if she couldn’t he’d figure something else out. Would it be weird to ask Athena to do a drive by? It’d certainly get him asked questions he wasn’t sure he wanted to answer yet (or ever).

He didn’t hear back from Marisol until they were walking into the station. Thankfully, she promised she’d drive by on her way to work in an hour and let him know. If they were still there….

What was he going to do then?

“You know, you frown that much your face could get stuck like that.”

Eddie glanced up, realizing he’d almost walked into Chimney. Buck was next to him, giving Chim a look and shaking his head.

“Oh, c’mon,” Chim said, a bit of a laugh behind his words. “I’m hardly picking on your boy.” He rolled his eyes, shaking his head at Buck before giving Eddie a slightly concerned look. “Thinking deep thoughts there, Eddie?”

“Something like that,” he said, dragging a smile on his face that felt fake, before slipping around Chim into the locker room.

For the next hour and a half, Eddie kept checking his phone, like maybe he’d missed Marisol’s call or text. He knew everyone noticed, and that everyone was shooting slightly concerned looks at him – and questioning ones at Buck, who was very pointedly acting like nothing was weird.

Eddie didn’t deserve someone like Buck at his back, but hell if he wasn’t grateful to have him there. He knew that Buck wouldn’t be able to hold everyone off for too long – sooner or later someone would corner him – but for now, while Eddie was getting increasingly nervous… it was enough.

**‘The rental car is still there.** **☹** **’**

“Fuck,” he muttered.

Buck glanced over from his game, frowning immediately. “What’s wrong?” He sounded utterly serious, like when they were on the job.

Eddie took a deep breath. It shook.

“I had Marisol go by,” he said, hopefully quiet enough no one would overhear easily. “She said the rental car’s still there.”

“Fuck.” Buck’s frown grew. “Could you, I don’t know, call the police?” he asked, voice going even quieter. “You know Athena wouldn’t mind going by, getting them to leave….”

Eddie had been shaking his head before Buck even finished talking. “No. No, I don’t want – I can’t escalate this. I can’t – it’s too risky.”

“Risky?” Buck twisted on the couch to fully face Eddie.

His mouth pinched and he wondered if he should even say it. But Buck had already helped him so much, and he was – he was so important to both Eddie and Chris….

He shut his eyes. He could barely make himself say it, like even the quietest whisper of the words would make them happen. “They think I’m not a good father to Chris.”

“I gathered, and that’s bullshit Eddie.”

He swallowed, shaking his head. “No – Buck. They could – if they wanted to press the issue, try to get official custody….” He glanced at him, heart in his own throat with fear of the mere fucking idea.

Buck’s eyes were wide, his face pale. “Would they?” he breathed, sounding as worried as Eddie felt.

“I don’t know,” Eddie choked out. “I don’t – Buck, I don’t know. After – after what I let them – last night, and –“

“Whoa. Hey, Eddie, breathe.” Buck’s hand was hot and strong where it pressed on Eddie’s shoulder, keeping him mostly upright. Eddie grabbed his wrist tight, like it would help anchor him right there instead of in the press and heat of anxious panic. He locked his eyes on Buck’s shirt, measured his breaths as much as he could, until it faded back to manageable levels again.

He needed to get a grip on himself. Normally he could fucking keep himself together, not let on when he felt like he was falling to pieces, but – somehow, that never worked around Buck. Buck always saw through it, or inevitably said something that had Eddie cracking, spilling all his hurts out and onto Buck.

“Wouldn’t it maybe help…?” Buck said slowly after a moment. “You tell Athena that you’ve got family in your house that you don’t want there, that won’t leave. You told them to leave. They haven’t. That’s not on you, that’s them breaking and entering now.”

Eddie shook his head, fast, set on it when he said, “No. I can’t – I can’t risk it.”

“Okay.” Buck’s voice was soft, reassuring. “You know you two can stay with me as long as you want, Eddie, I don’t mind at all.”

Yeah. Eddie knew that.

It was just….

He gave Buck a wan smile, and Buck offered an unconvincing one back. Eddie felt guilty, because clearly now Buck was worried about it too. His parents hadn’t done it before, in El Paso, and he wasn’t sure they’d go that far even now. But last night he’d pushed, hard, and he’d all but admitted to his feelings for Buck, so they knew now.

And they didn’t approve at all.

It might be the push they’d been waiting for to try and take Chris from him, officially.

Eddie texted Carla, letting her know to take Chris to Buck’s after Buck suggested it. Carla offered to come get the key to Buck’s place from one of them before she went to get Chris.

He wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or curse that they didn’t have too many calls through the day, and that they were mostly minor – the biggest one was someone getting heat stroke at one of the nearby parks. Carla swung by and got Buck’s key; she gave Eddie a big hug, and Eddie let himself lean against her, just for a moment.

“It’ll all be okay, honey, you’ll see.”

“I hope so,” he muttered, and Carla must have known what he was worrying about because she gave him a look.

“If they try it, it won’t stick. It will be awful for everyone, but it’ll be clear how happy and loved Chris is with you, and that he’s well taken care of and safe. No one’s taking your boy away, Eddie Diaz. I’ll fight tooth and nail for you both if those two even try.”

Eddie swallowed, throat tight and hurting. He didn’t dare try to talk, so he just nodded and hoped she understood how much it meant to him, that she had been in his and Chris’ corner since the day Buck introduced them.

She gave him a reassuring smile, a pat on the cheek, and left with a wave to Buck.

No one asked. Everyone was very much not looking at him when he returned upstairs for a late lunch. It was dumb, because Eddie knew they’d at least seen if not heard some of that down there, and he knew he looked exactly like he was going to start crying, but fuck did he appreciate their attempts to give him privacy.

No one asked about Carla swinging by. No one mentioned anything about her visit.

They also didn’t mention about how he and Buck all but bolted out at the end of the day, Eddie almost vibrating with nervous energy.

It felt anticlimactic to return to Buck’s and see Chris settled on the couch and doing homework.

Carla smiled at them like everything was normal, and Buck immediately all but leapt over to take a seat next to Chris, looking at his homework and starting a conversation about it. Carla tilted her head towards the door, so Eddie walked her out.

“Nothing happened. I picked him up like always, we went to get a treat since it was the first day back and I’m sure the past week has been rough on you all. Chris didn’t bring any of it up, and he’s been perfectly cheerful as normal. I know you’re worried, but we’re all gonna do everything we can, okay?”

“Yeah.” He forced himself to smile wryly. “Guess I’m just – stressed.”

Carla hummed, raising a brow. “From what little I got to see last week, honey? You’re probably more than stressed, and I’m sure Chris is too. But you’re both in good hands.” She squeezed his arm, then rubbed up and down a bit. “No one I know on this good earth will do more to help a friend in need than Buck.”

That was kind of what Eddie was worrying about.

He didn’t say that to Carla though. He grinned and nodded, reassured her they’d be fine, thanked her again for being so flexible about the change in routine. She said she’d see him tomorrow, and Eddie waited while she got in her car and drove off before taking a deep breath and going back inside.

Buck was in the kitchen, digging in his freezer. “I swear I have a lasagna in here,” he said, when he turned and put a bag of – something on the counter and saw Eddie. “Figured that’d be good for dinner, yeah?”

Eddie nodded, heading for the oven. “Do you know how hot to preset this for?”

“Ehhh… I want to say it’s 400? Might be 425.”

Eddie set it to 400, for the time being, and left Buck raiding his freezer to go sit with Chris.

“So, homework on the first day?”

Chris heaved a very loud sigh. “Mrs. J teaches us reading and writing this year, and she said we have to write two pages about something that happened this summer for her.”

“Oh, man, whatever could you write about?” Eddie said, dryly. “Nothing happened all summer, after all. You live a very boring life.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “I know what to write about, but it has to be two pages, Dad. How am I supposed to fit all of summer camp on two pages?”

“Maybe just pick the best part of summer camp?”

Chris gave him a look, unimpressed. “Dad. All of summer camp was the best part.”

Eddie laughed. “Okay. Well, good luck with that.”

“Maybe I’ll just write about that time we went to the movies with Buck,” Chris mused. “That’s a lot less stuff to write about.”

“Found it!” Buck called from the kitchen, triumphant. Eddie and Chris both looked that way, to see Buck smugly ripping open the box.

“I think this is the first time I’ve seen him use a frozen anything,” Eddie mused.

Chris nodded thoughtfully. “Maybe he’s feeling lazy today.”

“I can hear you two,” Buck said pointedly, “and let me just say, I absolutely can make a homemade lasagna, I just don’t usually feel like it.”

“Lazy,” Eddie agreed, winking at Chris when Buck made an outraged noise.

The night felt almost painfully normal, which just made it all more surreal to Eddie. The only thing that was odd was that they were at Buck’s to stay the night, when usually they’d be at Eddie’s house.

At least, that was the only thing that was different until Chris was put to bed and Eddie and Buck went upstairs.

The previous night, Eddie had been drained and disconnected. He’d not really thought about sharing a bed with Buck, aside from the fact that Buck had asked if Eddie would mind about sharing and that’d – annoyed him.

This time though… it was different.

This time, Eddie wasn’t half out of it with everything he was feeling. He was aware of the fact that Buck slept in a t-shirt at most during the summer, that he himself didn’t wear much to bed (more than Buck, habit from having a kid who liked to come into his bed in the mornings for cuddling), that Buck would be close enough to touch. He was very aware of the intimacy of sharing a bed, sharing a bed with _Buck_ , who –

Eddie stared at the bed.

He wanted to get in, to have Buck hold him like he had last night. He wanted to go and crash on the floor next to the couch with Chris. He wanted to move closer to Buck even as he felt horribly like running.

“You’re overthinking,” Buck said quietly, glancing at him from the other side of the bed. “I told you last night… I’m not going anywhere. Everything’s at your pace.”

They stared at each other. The air felt heavy. Eddie’s throat was dry.

He didn’t know what to say. And eventually, Buck just nodded, getting in on his side of the bed. He rolled onto his stomach, pulling a pillow under his head. He wasn’t looking in Eddie’s direction.

Eddie hated it, even as he felt something that was kind of like relief. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to do this with Buck watching him. Buck always saw whatever Eddie was trying to hide, like it was there to be read easy as anything, and right then Eddie didn’t want to be seen.

But also… it reminded him of Shannon. Of going to bed angry, of trying to pretend the other wasn’t there in the same bed, inches away, trying to grow that space so there’d be no chance of touching at all. Pointedly not looking in the other’s direction to ignore them.

Eddie tried to swallow. He tried to reign it in, the feeling of panic and loss, because this wasn’t the same thing. Buck wasn’t Shannon, they weren’t in a relationship, he wasn’t _losing_ Buck, failing him. Buck was trying to give Eddie some kind of – privacy or something, and Eddie had wanted that, he had, only….

His chest hurt. An actual ache behind his sternum that clenched and throbbed. It felt like everything he’d tried to build up over the day was crashing down – or maybe like he’d lost some of the foundation that he’d built it on.

Buck wasn’t mad… at least, he hadn’t precisely acted like he was. Unless the whole getting in bed and looking away from Eddie was also out of anger.

Eddie closed his eyes against the pounding in his head. His jaw was clenched so tight that his teeth ached.

He wanted to get in bed and press against Buck.

He wanted to run far away and pretend none of the past two days had happened.

It left him frozen right where he was, unable to move.

He watched Buck, the way his shoulders rose and fell slightly as he breathed. Eddie wondered if Buck was keeping it that even on purpose or if he was actually that relaxed and unbothered.

Eddie slipped into the bed quietly. For a minute, he watched Buck, who didn’t make any indication that he noticed or was even awake.

Sighing, Eddie turned onto his other side, facing away from Buck. He closed his eyes, but it was a long while before his thoughts managed to stop whirling and he went to sleep.

The next day was call after call. There was an allergic reaction on a hiking trail, an asthma attack at a restaurant, someone nearly slicing their finger off from a home improvement project, among what felt like a hundred other things ranging from minor to moderately worrying. Eddie let work suck him in, distract him from everything else. Marisol had sent Vic by his house during Vic’s lunch break, apparently. The rental was still there, and so Eddie still didn’t dare to go home.

He hated it.

He hated how he was afraid, and he hated how unfair it was, and he hated that his first reaction to feeling that way was anger. Probably he should see about making another appointment with Frank. Eddie hated that, too.

The anger and resentment and fear twisted around and around.

He should have just kept his mouth shut.

He should have told his parents he wasn’t in a relationship with Buck, of course he wasn’t. Why not just hide the fact that Eddie was pretty sure he might not be straight, might be into guys, into Buck? Just for a while, until they were gone. It would have made his life easier.

He should have thought to text Buck and tell him not to come to family dinner.

He should be handling this on his own, not hiding at Buck’s apartment like a scared child. His parents weren’t going to hurt him. Even as furious as they surely were about what Eddie had basically confessed, they’d not hurt him. He had no reason to be _afraid_ of them, when he knew that there were people who had genuine reasons to be afraid of their family.

He shouldn’t be so weak.

He knew he was too quiet at dinner that night, and that it was worrying Chris and Buck. But he couldn’t stop thinking, and the more he thought about everything the more twisted up he felt.

“You want to ta-“

“I’m fine,” Eddie snapped.

Buck shifted, a small movement that was fast and short, like he’d stopped himself from flinching back.

Eddie felt the anger – at himself really – flare that little bit hotter.

“If you’re sure,” Buck said after a long few moments, sounding painfully uncertain and cautious.

Eddie closed his eyes and gripped the edge of the sink. “Yes,” he said, almost grinding it out between his teeth.

Buck didn’t say anything, just slipped away.

Eddie kept his eyes shut tight until the sudden burn of incoming tears faded away again, and finished washing up from dinner.

Buck was in the shower when Eddie finished putting Chris to bed, reading him just one chapter of his book. Which, fuck, he needed to remember to go online and renew those if they didn’t get home soon. Eddie changed into sleepwear and got under the blanket, closing his eyes and feigning sleep. It was another ten minutes before Buck came out, and he didn’t say anything at all as he got into bed on the other side.

This wasn’t working, Eddie thought. He couldn’t – he needed to fix this.

He was terrified that if this went on much longer, the resentment he was feeling would shift to Buck. That in all of this, Eddie would hurt Buck – not physically; no matter what Buck seemed to think, Eddie had never wanted to hit Buck back during the lawsuit. But… there was more than one way to hurt someone.

Eddie couldn’t risk all he was feeling bursting out to the ones he cared about. He couldn’t risk it crashing over onto Buck.

He couldn’t risk that Buck would get hurt… or tired of dealing with Eddie’s shit, all the time. That he’d finally catch on to how much of a mess Eddie was and decide that it was too much, since he couldn’t escape it with Eddie staying with him now.

This wasn’t working.

On Thursday, when Carla was off and Abuela usually picked Chris up because Eddie had a long shift that went late into the night, he came to a decision. His parents were still in his house. Pepa said they’d told her their return tickets weren’t until Saturday. If they were still there on Sunday, Eddie might have to do as Buck originally suggested and go to Athena for help.

Eddie didn’t want to risk his parents going by Abuela’s to see if Chris was there, but he didn’t want to have Carla work one of her days off, especially for an overnight thing. He didn’t want to chance asking any of his family, just in case his parents tried to come by. Pepa had already said Ramon and Helena had visited her once after that disastrous dinner, after all.

So, Eddie shot off a text in the morning as Buck drove them to the station. He got a response half an hour later, while they were eating breakfast.

Finally, it felt like some of the tension in his chest loosened.

An hour later, when Eddie found a brief moment of privacy, he called the school to let them know Chris was being picked up by someone not on the usual list. He apologized for not having a note sent with him, claimed to them it was a last-minute change of plans. Thankfully they didn’t question it, were pleasant and understanding.

The only thing left to do was… tell Buck.

Eddie put it off.

It wasn’t because he thought Buck would make him feel guilty. It was that he knew Buck wasn’t going to understand why, that it was going to hurt him. Eddie could try telling Buck it was all because he didn’t want to hurt Buck; he knew, though, Buck would lie and say that Eddie hadn’t been.

But Eddie wasn’t blind. He had seen the little frowns and the tightness around Buck’s eyes growing over the past few days. Buck wasn’t as energetic, wasn’t as goofy, and even though he was trying to fake it for the team Eddie knew they could all see it as well. Now Eddie was the one getting confused and questioning looks about Buck’s behavior. None were accusatory but Eddie felt like they had to all know it was his fault. No one had questioned anything about the two of them arriving and leaving together in Buck’s jeep, not even in the usual joking way, but Eddie didn’t believe for a second they were unaware of it.

Buck was hurting, because Eddie was a shitty person when he was upset. He’d been working on it, since Shannon’s death, but fuck if everything with his parents hadn’t sent him right back into bad habits.

He’d made an appointment on Friday to see Frank. He’d had to choke out that it was something he felt he needed to happen sooner than later, and he knew he’d been given what Frank called ‘emergency openings’, times in the day he didn’t make appointments in case someone needed him short notice.

That just added to the guilt souring Eddie’s gut. People had it so much worse, and he should be handling it better, but… he wasn’t.

He was trying not to think about tomorrow too much. He didn’t think there was any way for him to get the advice he really needed about things unless he told Frank all of it, from the feelings for Buck (he could just say a friend, right?), to more about his time in El Paso before they moved to LA, to the past week with his parents visiting and the last days at Buck’s. If he really wanted to fix this, he had to tell Frank more than he wanted to have to share.

It was for Buck, for Chris, he reminded himself. He was doing all of this for them.

It didn’t make it any easier when, at the end of their shift, Eddie had to tell Buck.

“I – I’m not staying.”

“What?” Buck shot him a quick look, a little frown, before focusing on the road again. He had bags under his eyes and Eddie knew it wasn’t just from the long shift.

He looked away, down and then out the window. “Chris and I aren’t going to be staying with you anymore.”

“Eddie?”

He closed his eyes. Buck sounded _scared_ almost, and it hurt so fucking much to have done that. He kept reminding himself that this was for the best, that he needed to do this for all three of them.

“I had Karen pick him up from school. We’re going to crash with her for a bit. Pepa said my parents are supposed to leave Saturday, so we should be home on Sunday.”

“You guys – you don’t have to leave. Really, it’s – you know I don’t mind-“

“Buck,” he interrupted, quiet and heavy. “It’s not because I don’t think you’d let us stay as long as we needed. I – I need the space. I think we both do.”

Eddie swallowed hard when he heard a soft sniff, hoping that he hadn’t made Buck fucking cry over this. Please let him not have ruined things, please.

Please let him have made a good choice for once.

“Okay. Do – do you need me to drop you off at their place?”

Buck’s voice was thick and uneven. Eddie called himself every name he could think of, guilt bubbling unpleasantly in his stomach.

“No. I’m just gonna grab our things and take an uber.”

“You don’t have to-“

“I know,” he sighed. “But I think it’s best.”

It gave him less time to second guess himself even more than he had been already.

Buck’s small “okay” might have actually caused Eddie’s heart to break a bit. They didn’t talk the rest of the drive, nor when they finally stepped inside Buck’s apartment. Buck went straight to Chris’ things next to his couch, gathering them up. Eddie crept upstairs quietly, face flushing as he heard Buck sniffle every few minutes.

Buck’s eyes were red and wet looking when he handed Eddie Chris’ things. Eddie tried to smile, but it didn’t come out right. He tried to think of something reassuring to say, but his tongue wasn’t working and all he could think was this was his fault. The past two weeks were mistake after mistake. Somehow, he’d failed again and again and now some of the most important people in his life were hurting, his own parents hated him more than ever, and he was afraid to even go near his house.

Two weeks felt like two years, and Eddie couldn’t help how in brief moments like this, where it was just quiet surrounding him and proof of how he kept hurting those he loved in front of him, that Eddie felt like he should just sit down and give up, let things just happen and get it over with.

Deal with the damage after it was all done.

He got an alert about the uber being close, so he took a step back. Buck looked down, and fuck, Eddie wanted to say to forget it all, to grab Buck tight and cling and beg for – something. Eddie didn’t even know anymore what he wanted. Everything was mixed up, bad and worse, and he was so exhausted, it was hard to even think about what had been going on before the past two weeks.

He wasn’t sure it was an option anymore. He felt horribly like the past two weeks had destroyed everything around him, any chance of that happiness he’d barely allowed himself to even consider being a possibility.

Eddie swallowed, turning around before Buck could see him break, and kept his back straight and strides even as he left.

Later, when Eddie was sharing the guest bed with Chris in the Wilson home, Eddie couldn’t help but play the moment of that door shutting over and over. It felt final, like it was bigger than just him leaving Buck’s apartment.

He thought of how people talked about closing doors as being a sign of a chapter of your life ending.

Eddie hated wondering just what chapter he’d made end with that one tug of a handle.

“So,” Hen said quietly the next morning, sitting across from Eddie at the table after Karen had left with Chris and Denny, planning to drop them both off at their schools on her way to work. Eddie had wanted to argue with it but… he didn’t have his truck.

Besides, Karen had given him a stern look when she’d said she would drop Chris off like she did Denny. It wasn’t the first look he’d gotten. When he’d arrived at the door the previous night, she’d nailed him with one and led the way out to the backyard. She hadn’t made him talk, but Eddie suspected it was coming.

Just like he’d been waiting for this conversation to happen.

He sighed, looking down at the cup of coffee in his hands. “So,” he agreed.

“I’m not going to make you tell me all the nitty gritty details,” Hen said gently. “But we’ve all been able to see something was up. I just didn’t think it was ‘crash at my friend’s house’ big.” She watched him for a moment, face creased with concern and that unique kind of gentle care that made her so good at scenes with patients. “Is that why you and Buck have been coming in together all week?”

Eddie swallowed. “We’ve been staying at Buck’s place since Sunday night.”

“Eddie, are you… what kind of trouble are we looking at here?”

He closed his eyes, shaking his head a bit. It was – so much to say out loud, and at the same time? It seemed so ridiculous that it was as big as he was making it.

“I just –“ He sighed, took a large drink of his coffee, and made himself meet Hen’s eyes. It was hard and he felt the urge to deflect and avoid the conversation, but it needed to be said. “Last week my parents showed up for a visit.” He scoffed, shaking his head again. “An unexpected visit.”

“An unexpected visit. From Texas.” Hen sounded disbelieving. “An unexpected visit is, ‘hey I was in the neighborhood, wanted to say hi’. Flying in from another _state_ is a planned visit.”

Eddie shrugged, focusing on the coffee again.

“You don’t… talk about your family back in Texas much. I figure there’s a reason for that.”

He nodded. He couldn’t tell Hen it was because his parents wanted to take Chris from him. That his sisters hadn’t stood up to their parents, even though Eddie knew from their silence that they also didn’t necessarily agree with them. It didn’t matter. Maybe after his parents did go home and told them what Eddie had confessed, they’d side with his parents entirely. He didn’t know.

Just another thing that had him twisted up with fear and anger.

“Okay. So they came for a visit last week….”

“Technically, I suppose you could say they’re still visiting,” Eddie said, hating how bitter his voice sounded.

“What?”

Sighing, Eddie leaned back in his seat. He looked up at the ceiling for a moment, then dropped his chin again. “I said some things, Sunday night. They didn’t like it. Buck brought Chris and me home with him to his place, and I guess my parents decided they would just try to wait me out. Pepa said they told her their tickets home are for tomorrow, so hopefully….”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone? Or at least Athena. You know she wouldn’t mind helping you out. She might even be offended if you didn’t.”

Eddie shook his head firmly. “No. I can’t escalate it.”

“Escalate – Eddie, this isn’t _normal_. You’re hiding from your parents, and frankly that alone worries me about what happened.”

He took a careful breath. “I’m not going to talk about it, Hen. Not now, at least.”

“Okay,” she said after a moment, eyes searching. “Wanna tell me why you decided to switch over to our guest bed instead of Buck’s place?”

“No,” he muttered, getting up with his cup of coffee. He downed the rest and rinsed it in the sink. Of course Hen didn’t drop it; she followed him, leaning against the counter a few feet away, arms crossed and watching him.

“None of us are going to judge you, you know. If you open up, let us know what’s going on, or bothering you, or… anything else. We’re not going to judge you, Eddie.”

He knew that, sort of. Bobby hadn’t judged him about the street fighting, had just wanted to help. He hadn’t told the others, either, left that up to Eddie – and Eddie had only told Buck about it.

But being aware that these people cared about him didn’t always feel like much of a reassurance at the best of times, and certainly not after having his parents, the people in the world who were supposed to love him most, tell him he was wrong and confused and needed help.

All because he hadn’t denied a relationship with Buck – a relationship that didn’t actually exist.

Not that Eddie didn’t think they hadn’t been heading that way.

“Eddie….” Hen came closer and set a hand lightly on his shoulder. “You know you can stay here as long as you want.”

“Thanks.”

She smiled, a little wry and definitely sympathetic. “Just warn me if I should expect the puppy dog eyes from Buck at work tomorrow.”

Eddie gave a soft huff of laughter. He shook his head, but inwardly he was cringing. Because he didn’t want to think about that look Hen was talking about, the sad eyes and slight hunch to Buck’s shoulders, like he was trying to look smaller or something. The way he’d be extra quiet, and do the not-quite-looking thing, as if he was just waiting to see if you were mad or upset with him.

He hated it. He hadn’t seen it often, but he _had_ seen it before.

And this time it was entirely his fault.

Hen thankfully seemed to buy that he wasn’t worried about Buck’s reaction – because she smiled and gave his shoulder a final squeeze before walking off to the living room, where Nia was sitting with some blocks . Eddie went to change in his room, deciding a run might help with the nervous energy bubbling under his skin.

He let Hen know he was heading out for a run, plugged some earbuds into his phone, and set off. He didn’t really have any specific route in mind, since he didn’t know the neighborhood very well, so he just focused on not getting lost and on the feeling of his feet hitting the ground, how the sun was already warm this time of morning, and soon his head was emptied out of anything except running and his body.

When he got back, Hen said she was going to run some errands with Nia, and Eddie promised to lock the house if he left before she got back. He showered, tried not to fidget or think too much while he waited until he needed to leave for his appointment with Frank. He took an uber there, and then tried not to fidget while waiting outside Frank’s office for a few minutes.

He went over it all in his head, how he was going to start, what he was going to be vague about or not mention, trying to guess what Frank might ask or say and how he could reply. Eddie didn’t want to admit to Frank that it was Buck he was interested in; that was too – private. Eddie had only barely been able to admit it to himself, and that was just before his parents appeared and his life seemed to go up in flames.

But he supposed he’d have to explain about his parents. He’d already told Frank about how things had fallen apart with Shannon, so Frank knew he’d not been a great father – though Frank never said it like that. Frank always said something about Eddie shifting his focus from providing to also caretaking or something like that. At least Frank already knew that, so Eddie wouldn’t have to go into it much when he talked about how his parents wanted to take Chris from him.

The hardest part, Eddie mused as he stepped into Frank’s room, would be talking about this whole – sexuality thing he’d been dealing with for the past several months. He’d only ever talked about it with Karen in any detail. Frank would be the first person he told besides her.

It felt – terrifying, and strange.

But Eddie needed help, needed to hear from someone about what to do because he was lost. He was terrified, and angry, and resentful, and he couldn’t let that reach the critical point it all had when Shannon had died. Because he couldn’t let it touch Chris and Buck, and all his teammates and friends. He had to deal with it, right this time.

“So, Eddie, what’s been going on lately?” Frank asked.

Eddie leaned forward, hands clasped between his knees, and took a deep breath. He stared at the floor, jaw clenching tight for a moment as he struggled to say anything.

It was in fits and starts, and it probably was a mess of an explanation… but Eddie talked.

“You look beat, baby,” Karen said sympathetically, sitting down next to him in the backyard. She handed a glass over. Eddie took a sip, brows raising. She smirked. “I used to bartend back in college.”

He tilted his head in thanks and took another sip.

“So? What’s got you all shook up?”

“My parents dropped by for a ‘surprise’ visit,” he said, shaking his head.

“You said as much. Said you couldn’t go home, too.”

“I’ve been at Buck’s,” he admitted. He stared out over the yard, not that he was seeing it. “Which was – fine. But…” He shook his head, glancing at Karen. “He’d never say anything, but he was hurting. Because of me. Because I turn into an asshole when I’m – scared.” And hurt. He didn’t think he had to say that bit, because Karen tilted her head, nodding and smiling sympathetically.

“Buck could be falling apart and he’d do all he could to keep it a secret,” she mused. “Gotta be frustrating, loving a person like that.”

Eddie huffed, not sure if he was laughing or agreeing or what. He took another sip of the drink. “I think he wanted to help, and I was… shutting him down. Kinda hard, sometimes.” He grimaced. “And I realized – or, I guess, was afraid that… that if we didn’t get some space, I’d ruin things.”

“Eddie, babe, if every relationship fell apart at the first sign of struggle, things would be a lot different. You two gotta feel things out between you, find what works. Compromise.”

“Yeah, but we haven’t even –“ He cut off, grinding his teeth a moment. “I was gonna tell him. About – what’s been going on with me,” he admitted, voice hushed. “I was gonna tell him, even if I wasn’t sure if I was positive what I was feeling yet. I wanted him to know.” He let out a long breath. “And then my parents were pushing into my house and saying they’d be staying for a few weeks and….”

“You and them don’t get along.”

He scoffed, bitterly. “They want to take Chris,” Eddie said.

Karen set her drink down, eyes wide, straightening up. “What?”

“They wanted to take him back in El Paso, before we moved here. I was so _angry_.” He shook his head. “But I love my son,” he said, voice almost breaking. “And I told him I was thinking of coming here, and asked if he wanted to come too. He did. He wanted to stay with me. So we did. And my parents haven’t stopped trying to get me to move back since then.”

“Jesus.” Karen shook her head. “I take it things escalated?”

Eddie took a long drink of his glass. He took a breath and let it out, slow.

“My family – my LA family, a lot of them already think Buck and I are… you know.”

“Dating.”

“Yeah. So, at dinner on Sunday night, you know – family visiting, so everyone’s gotta show up for dinner together. Someone mentioned it to them.”

“Fuck. I’m guessing they didn’t approve.”

“My mom told me I was confused and need help.”

Karen hissed out a few curses, shaking her head. “I am so sorry Eddie.”

He nodded, eyes unfocused. He was thinking about Sunday, and about his talk with Frank today.

“I could have told them it was a misunderstanding. That Buck was just a friend.” He tapped his fingers on his glass. “Instead I told them it wasn’t any of their business. I told them Buck was important to Chris and I. And I told them that I wanted to be happy, and if they couldn’t deal with it to never speak to me again. I did that. Not them.”

“You set boundaries,” Karen said firmly, almost sharply.

Eddie couldn’t help the slightly wry smile as he glanced at her. “Yeah. That’s what my therapist said, too.”

“Just because they are your parents, and raised you, doesn’t mean they get full and unrestricted access to you. None of your choices are hurting Chris. They never have. You are a fantastic parent, Eddie. You really are, and I know you don’t believe that, but I wouldn’t lie to you about it. You give that boy of yours so much love and support, but still room to grow. You do amazing with Chris.”

He swallowed past the lump in his throat. “Karen….”

“Your parents have no right to criticize you for not doing what they want in your life. Not when your choices don’t hurt your son, or you. You are allowed to tell them to back off.”

“I gave them an ultimatum,” he argued, not even sure why. “I gave them an ultimatum I _knew_ they’d not be able to do. They-“ His voice broke and he immediately stopped, pressing his lips together. He swallowed, twisted his mouth against the urge to blink because he knew there was moisture gathering at his eyes and he didn’t want to cry.

“I can’t imagine, how much it hurts,” Karen said after a moment, quietly. “I got lucky, and my parents had nothing but love for me, before and after I came out to them.”

He looked away; it was like she was trying to make him cry.

He hadn’t been able to say it, not to Frank or to Buck or to anyone, but it’d been running in the back of his head all week.

His parents didn’t love him. Not enough. Not in a way that let them look past _this_ , this thing they believed was immoral, wrong, almost evil.

“I told them to leave,” he repeated, voice cracking.

“You asked them to love you, and if they couldn’t, to leave because they were hurting you. That’s not on you, Eddie. Eddie,” she said, coming over and crouching in front of him, grabbing his glass and setting it aside to instead grasp his hands tightly. “Babe.” She gave him a sad smile, her own eyes a bit wet. “I’m proud of you.” Her grip tightened when he tried to tug, to turn away. “I know how hard this has all been for you. I know you’ve been confused and scared – a lot of us have been there, it’s sadly a pretty normal thing. And you just faced what I’m betting was a huge source of that fear and confusion.

“I cannot, _cannot_ , imagine how much you’re hurting and how much strength that took. But you did it. You’ve been struggling so long to figure out how you feel and what it means. You’ve struggled with it, but you still stood up for yourself. That’s not nothing, babe.” She squeezed his hands. “I am proud of you. I’m willing to bet anyone you talk to about it is. You stood up to your parents. You established a boundary it sounds like you’ve struggled to make for a long time, and you protected yourself and your son from some toxic people that have been in your life.”

“I still love them,” Eddie confessed, shaking his head. He closed his eyes, like that wouldn’t make it real that he could feel wetness on his cheeks now. “I still love them, Karen, and – and I don’t know if I should after all this. I feel like I shouldn’t care, but I do.”

“You’re allowed that.” She sounded almost fierce. “You’re allowed to care about what happened, and you can even still love them, even if they’re not good for you. So long as you don’t let them hurt you because of it, because _that_ isn’t okay.”

He took a deep breath. Opened his eyes, and Karen let go of his hands to instead wrap him in a hug. For a moment, he stiffened – but Karen just waited.

Eddie let out a breath and leaned against her. He wasn’t really crying, and the tears had already stopped, but his throat hurt and his eyes were just… wet.

“I’m so angry,” he admitted. It was easier talking to Karen, than to Frank. He didn’t know why. It just was. “At me, for still caring, and at them for not….” Not caring enough, he didn’t say. Not loving him enough. “And they won’t fucking leave, they’re just staying in my home, and I’m afraid to go home and face them, and that makes me _more_ angry.”

“You’re a nicer person than I’d be,” Karen said, sniffling a bit as she leaned back. She sat on the ground in front of him, leaning over to grab her drink from where she’d set it and downing a large portion of it. Eddie picked his own up and took a good swallow too. “If it were me, I’d have called the cops on them. I’d have asked Athena to pull some strings to send the meanest cops they have, if she couldn’t go herself.”

Eddie snorted. “I was afraid of – escalating it. That if I did that, they’d do something to try actually taking Chris from me officially.”

Karen’s brows pinched. “All the more reason to have a paperwork trail.”

He shrugged. “They’re leaving tomorrow – hopefully. If not, then… I’ll have to do something.” He really hoped it didn’t come to that.

“I can’t imagine how stressed you’ve been feeling all week, babe. This is insane.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “And all of it was just – hitting Buck, too, you know? I was in a shitty mood, and Chris was sleeping on his couch, and Buck was taking Chris to school and us to work every morning, and – it was wearing on him.” He shook his head. “And I was… I don’t know.” Feeling angry and defensive and trapped. Not Buck’s fault, but Eddie’d worried the growing resentment about the situation would bleed over.

“It was all hurting him, too. I just – I thought some space….”

“Sometimes you need that. It may hurt the other person, the one you need the space from, but it’s just another boundary, Eddie,” Karen said quietly. “And that space can hurt you just as much as it does them. Emotions aren’t clean cut and easy.”

“I know.” He finished off his glass. “I still feel bad. I don’t know how to tell him that just because I needed the space from him, that I don’t… _want_ the space.”

“You needed a breather. It’s a lot.” She raised a brow. “And I notice you said Chris was on the couch, so unless you were sleeping on the floor…?”

He felt his face flush, just a bit, and Karen smirked. “Mhm,” she said smugly. “I imagine that part of the need for space was not being allowed to touch, huh?”

Eddie rolled his eyes, leaning back in his seat. His ears felt hot, so he was probably blushing bad now.

Karen laughed, not too loud since the kids were – supposedly – asleep. Denny and Chris were sharing, since it was the weekend and everyone knew they’d probably stay up playing together for a while. Eddie was going to count this as the ‘make it up to you’ sleepover he’d promised Chris last week, for the one he’d had to cancel.

“I was going to tell him,” he said, circling back to that. “But now… everything feels like a mess.” He shook his head. “I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now.”

“It’s not the right time for you,” Karen said, shrugging. “If Buck feels as much for you as I’m willing to bet he does, he’s gonna wait.”

Eddie licked his lips, glancing down. “That first night, after the fight with my parents…. He told me, uh. He told me we’d talk, but only when I was ready.”

“See?” Karen nudged his leg, smiling gently. “Buck’s a good one. You just take your time, and let him know you’ve not forgotten that talk you two are going to have. He’ll wait.”

“He shouldn’t have to.” Eddie shook his head, unable to help thinking of Abby and how Buck had waited for her. How Buck had been so stupidly loyal and patient as he waited, months and months, feeling worse and worse about himself. About Buck after Abby had reappeared, and their talk, and how much Buck had been hurting.

“You shouldn’t have to rush yourself just to make someone else happy, either,” Karen said quietly. “Just… ask him, Eddie. Ask him if he’s really willing to wait, even if the answer turns out to not be what he wants. Let him make that choice; don’t make it for him.”

He nodded, brows furrowed.

“You have a shift tomorrow,” Karen said after a few minutes. She finished off her glass and pushed to her feet. “I’ll keep the boys occupied, maybe do some DIY science experiments. Are kids still super into slime?”

“I have no idea.”

“Eh, I’ll ask them. I can always google some home experiments and have them pick, too. You just focus on you and work tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah.” He swallowed. “Karen…. Thanks. For, uh. For you know….” He waved his hand a bit vaguely.

She grinned. “Babe, you know I don’t mind any of it. But if you really wanna thank me, you can owe me a night of babysitting. Karen’s and my anniversary’s in a month, and I’m thinking we’re gonna like a night just us.”

He laughed, nodding. “Of course. Just let me know.”

When he got in bed, it wasn’t easy to fall asleep, but he felt less like his thoughts were chasing each other in circles. He felt a little less scared. A lot less angry, though it was still there, pulsing somewhere inside his chest.

He hoped that tomorrow wouldn’t be bad. That his parents would actually leave. That Buck wouldn’t be upset with him.

He hoped it wouldn’t just get worse.

Saturday was weird.

Hen brought Eddie with her to work, which definitely got raised brows from Chim.

Buck was already there, cooking with Bobby. He didn’t look over when Eddie came upstairs. But he still took his usual seat next to Eddie at the table when the food was ready.

Eddie kept reminding himself – Buck wasn’t Shannon. He wasn’t trying to punish Eddie for leaving.

At least, Eddie didn’t think he was.

They didn’t finish breakfast, because of course the alarm went off. Things were normal on the call – and the next, and the next. They were normal when they all got back to the station and tried to eat lunch, everyone laughing and joking around. Eddie made sure not to stay too quiet, to act as normal as he could. Hen obviously knew it was bullshit, and Buck did – and Eddie had to admit Chimney and Bobby, at the very least, were also aware this wasn’t true – but Eddie had to at least pretend.

After, though, he only waited a short while before going to look for Buck. They needed to talk, like Frank and Karen had suggested. Karen said Eddie needed to be clear that he still wanted to talk to Buck about everything, just needed space. Frank said Eddie needed to be clear about his needs and listen to whatever his ‘friend’s’ needs or concerns were, too.

Eddie fucking hated talking, sometimes.

He found Buck in the gym, not yet working out but stretching to warm up.

“Hey,” he said quietly. “Got a minute?”

Buck glanced over at him. He was more guarded than usual – which hurt.

Eddie swallowed, waiting for what felt like a long time but probably wasn’t more than a few seconds. Buck nodded, getting up and taking a step closer before stilling. Eddie couldn’t help wondering if he was keeping the distance for his own sake, or because he thought Eddie wanted it.

“What’s up?” Buck asked quietly, arms crossed.

“I – I wanted to….” Why was this so hard? He’d talked to Karen about things, he’d talked to _Frank_ about it… but he couldn’t make himself say a lot of it to Buck. Why?

Why did it scare him, when he was pretty sure Buck already knew more than Eddie had thought he did, before last Sunday.

“I didn’t want to leave,” Eddie said, the words coming out almost on top of each other, clumsy. He grimaced. “I just….”

“Needed space. I know.”

“Do you?” he challenged. He took a step closer, searching Buck’s face. It was still so guarded, which Eddie could only think meant that no, Buck fucking did not _know_. “Do you know?” he repeated. “Because I think you’ve got some idea in your head that it was _you_ I wanted space from. And that’s not it.”

“Okay. Then what was it about staying with me that wasn’t working?”

Eddie shook his head. “The part where it was fucking with you, Buck.”

“I was fine.”

“Bullshit,” Eddie snapped, eyes narrowing. “You think I didn’t see you pulling back from me? Like you were scared-“

“No,” Buck interrupted, straightening. His eyes were narrowed, angry, and his voice was sharp. “I was not scared of you, Eddie. Don’t think that.”

“You were scared I would snap at you again, bite your head off like an asshole-“

Buck was shaking his head. He dragged a hand over his neck, seeming agitated. “You – Eddie, that’s not….” He dropped his head back. Buck’s sigh was loud, but didn’t sound as angry or annoyed as he had just moments ago. “I was scared I would fuck things up. Make it worse, or something.”

Eddie shook his head. “It’s your home, you shouldn’t be walking around on tiptoe because I’m having a fucking minor breakdown over –“ He couldn’t say it.

“I wanted you there,” Buck said, voice almost… fragile sounding. “I wanted you to feel… safe. Comfortable. Like I do when I visit your house.”

“I do. I did,” Eddie said, trying to get Buck to believe him. “Fuck, it’s not – I’m a mess,” he said, hating the way his voice came out almost thick sounding. “I’m such a mess right now, Buck, and you shouldn’t have to deal with the fallout of that.”

“Eddie,” Buck said, sounding like – like that hurt him, and Eddie just couldn’t fucking figure out how to stop doing that.

“I – I just –“ He sighed, dragging his hand over his hair. “I know you said you’d wait. Until I was ready to talk,” he clarified, though the way Buck had shifted his posture a bit made Eddie think maybe he hadn’t needed to. “You shouldn’t have to wait for me like this.”

“You want me to not wait? Want me to stop?”

Eddie opened his mouth. Closed it.

“You want me to stop waiting, Eddie?” Buck asked again, pressing.

“I-“

The alarm sounded.

Buck’s demeanor shifted, going professional and focused. He hurried past Eddie, to change into his uniform fast, and Eddie was frozen for a moment.

 _You want me to stop waiting_ , Buck had asked.

And for a moment, just a flash of a moment, Eddie imagined saying ‘yes’ and letting Buck move on, removing that hovering huge thing of talking about it all with Buck, which was scary and unsettling again because what if, somehow, Eddie had read this all wrong?

Eddie imagined saying ‘yes, stop waiting’ and imagined hearing about Buck doing just that.

He almost choked on the wave of – something that washed through him.

Not anger, not jealousy, not pain.

Nothing good, though.

Denial, maybe.

“Diaz!” Chimney barked, and Eddie jerked into motion. He ended up yanking himself into the cab just ahead of Buck.

The call was for an accident – minor injuries only, thankfully, but traffic accidents were always a mess to deal with. Buck and Eddie worked together as smoothly as ever, and even that couldn’t quite dampen the running mantra of ‘ _please please please_ ’ in the back of Eddie’s mind every time he glanced at Buck.

When they got back to the station and everyone had hopped out of the cab, Eddie hung back. Buck did as well.

He turned to Eddie as soon as their teammates had gone upstairs, Hen and Chim determined to pick up their video game battle where they’d left off, Bobby talking about dinner. Buck stepped closer; it wasn’t often that Eddie really thought about or noticed the way Buck had a couple inches on him.

He was noticing it right then.

“So?” Buck asked, as if they’d never been interrupted. “You want me to stop waiting on you, Eddie?”

No.

“I don’t – I don’t want –“ He swallowed, closing his eyes for a long moment. He opened them – and Buck was too close, head tilted down, watching Eddie. Not as guarded or steady as he’d seemed before. Eddie could see the tightness now, at the corners of Buck’s eyes, the hint of worry.

“You deserve to not waste time on waiting for someone else to get their shit together,” Eddie said, much more hushed than he’d meant to. “You deserve to be happy, not – waiting for fuck knows how long.”

Buck’s head tilted just a bit to the side. Eddie swore he swayed the smallest bit closer. “And what if I don’t think it’s a waste of my time. What if,” he said, and he was definitely closer now, Eddie thought, and it was – intense. “What if,” Buck repeated, even quieter, “I’m perfectly happy right where I am?”

“You – we haven’t even talked,” Eddie said. “You have no – what…. What if it ends up not being what you want?”

Buck hummed quietly. His eyes were moving over Eddie’s face, and Eddie was pretty sure he had felt this before. That night in his kitchen, after Abby. Except it was flipped now, wasn’t it? Eddie was the one who was a mess, and Buck was the one leaning in.

“Isn’t it?” Buck murmured, so soft. Eddie swallowed, was sure Buck could hear it or something.

Buck’s eyes were on Eddie’s mouth.

Eddie’s mouth was dry. His breath was almost shaking. He didn’t move, wasn’t even sure if he could, because he was almost fucking positive about what was about to happen, and –

He wasn’t sure if he should stop it, or stay right where he was.

He didn’t want to stop it.

He wanted to run and freak out somewhere private about this.

Buck glanced up at him, just for a moment, before he leaned the rest of the way in.

Eddie’s whole world slowed, coalesced into _this_. Into him and Buck, into their lips touching, into one of Buck’s hands on his hip and the other cupping his jaw and tilting his head just a bit. Like Eddie was _fragile_ in some way, or delicate, or –

Cherished.

Buck’s lips were soft. Ridiculously so. The kiss was soft too, their lips only just touching, small movements and the lightest of pressure and Eddie was _gone_.

They separated, just a bit. Eddie could feel Buck’s breath.

“Yeah,” Buck murmured. His voice was almost raspy, low. Eddie licked his lips.

He tried to think of a time he’d been kissed like that before. He couldn’t think of any. No first kiss or kisses after had ever been that…

Tender. Had made him feel like he was someone… someone precious to the other. Unbearably so.

“I think I’m good with waiting,” Buck said, taking a step back. He swallowed and cleared his throat. There was a flush high on his cheeks. “However long it takes. You’re worth it, Eddie. You and Chris are both more than worth it.”

Eddie was frozen right where he was as Buck gave him a last smile – small, fast, _shy_ like he hadn’t just –

Buck turned and walked away, head ducking down as he did.

Eddie’s breath was shaking, just a little. He licked his lips again, which stupidly enough almost felt like they were tingling, like he could still feel that painfully gentle kiss pressed to his lips. For that one, extended moment, Eddie had forgotten everything – where they were, all the worries and stress that had been twisting him up for weeks now, the fact that they still hadn’t even talked about anything yet, not really.

It hadn’t mattered that Eddie had spent the last week avoiding his own home. That he still didn’t know if his parents had left yet. That there still might be consequences to speaking up against them. That he’d come to work this morning wondering if maybe Buck would have changed his mind about waiting around on Eddie after all.

Buck had just kissed him.

Holy fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes. I know. I did that.
> 
> (Title's from This Kiss by Faith Hill. Because as soon as I realized where that scene with Buck was going and I surrendered to letting it happen, the chorus was basically going through my head. Because my brain thinks it's funny. I clearly did not say this in the beginning notes because what a spoiler lol.)


End file.
